Sunday, 12 January 2014

GPS assisted shopping and gourmet cat food.

OK. A good Sunday rant, after a stirring bout of housework.
Here, portrayed below, is a selection of Gourmet cat food sachets. Mark bought them; I assume he was captivated by the pure irony of this product, and he did have the beginnings of flu . . .


Some basic points about cats.
They are finicky bastards.
The pet industry know this.
They can make millions of euros/pounds/dollars out of this annoying cat fact.
Cats do not eat vegetables, let alone a 'julienne' of them.
This however is useful for the pet food people: put veg in — costs virtually nowt (talking about EU reject veg I imagine) and people somehow feel good that their felines are hoovering up veg particles as it will be good for them.
This particular pack is hyper-irritating as some PERSON in a ad meeting has come up with a fantastic idea: 
    'Excuse me Mr Vanpooperstook, what about if we add a little phrase on the packet — something like 'Recettes du chef'.
    'Brilliant, Mr . . . Beenhereforever: recipes of the chef — get onto it.' 
    'How about the chef in one of those hats, stirring a copper pan?'
    'Don't be a stupid arse, Miss junior ad type, do you know what's really in cat food — we just have to GIVE the impression . . . '

I opened one of the said packets this morning: nano-sized pieces of slop fell out (about an egg cup full) the ginger beast fell on it and devoured it in five seconds — well, fifty cents gone.
So, Bronzino, let's see what was in your delectable sludge, shall we.
(Cat holds up packet, back showing).
Colin à la Florentine.
Not Colin of Bracknall done in the sauce of a Florentine resident I hasten to add: Colin being Hake, and Florentine — this is normally a chocolate coated nutty fruity biscuit. Oh I see, à la Florentine, in the way a Florentine would cook Colin/Hake (if they did) and spinach and carrots.
Anyway . . . what is actually in this:
Meat and by products of meat, fish and by-products of fish (Hake being 4%) Protein of vegetables (of which spinach and carrots 4%) a lot of water presumably and a whole list of other scientific sounding stuff.
To break it down more: 14% protein, humid constituents (translating from French here) wet stuff (not greasy conservative representatives) 79%, 2.5 %fat, 2.2% ash, .05% cellulose. Mmmm. So, mostly grease, water, and 14% protein.
Kicked the cat out in the direction of the shed with a photo of a mouse.


So, supermarket 'GPS' system. (I don't know what it's actually called.)
This has to be the most pathetic invention to date.
I was watching Telematin yesterday and on came the guy who does the occasional feature on the Latest Technology.
SOMEBODY has come up with a sort of half-pair of glasses that you don when entering the supermarket. Somehow the mini-computer inside them knows (I missed this vital bit) that you are searching for condoms, and then shows you by a series of arrows on the screen where to go. So you head robotically for the section and then it tells you what to do with them, what size, etc and then you nod your head like a slow motion chicken and it buys them for you.
Fab: next stop, ravioli — compare the makes, the cooking time, recipe suggestions, nod, bought.
Supposing you sneeze while passing the chain saw section, or a bottle of 1968 Chateau Neuf du Pape — bought, only 328 euros.
The woman in the feature duly went around nodding like one of those back window dogs, and then went out to load up her car, thus negating all that tedious talking to people, using your instincts as to where they have moved the tomato paste and queueing, where you can idly look into other people's trolleys and wonder what they are going to do with twenty three baguettes and a bottle of carpet cleaner.
The idea is being developed in Holland, where apparently they are spending millions on it. Useful.




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